Written by Setara Hamidi
I was born and grew up in Aqcha. Aqcha is a district of Juzjan. There, most women wear chadari/burqa or black veils. Some women dress the same as women in Kabul. Most educated women are school teachers. Some of them also work in the private sector or with non-governmental organization. These women are the exception. Why? Islamist extremists insist women and girls stay at home. They not only terrorize the community, but also influence the way people think hence many families are against the idea of women working in the private sector. Some educated women stay at home because they are not allowed to take jobs in community because of the rules of the Islamic extremists. Most women who haven’t had the chance to get an education are also housewives. The take care of children- often at least five or six children- and do house chores, but they also produce handicrafts if they have the time. Their work is confined to the house.
Women are incredibly strong. They can handle every kind of condition, especially in districts and villages where they live in difficult situations, doing heavy work, taking care of many children, preparing of the home materials, and being far from knowledge, their rights, and their own lives. It sometimes feels like they are they are alive and going on, not really living their own lives. Alongside all these hardships, we have lots of families where women are not respected. Many men continue to think that the only job and purpose of women’s existence is for housework and to serve them. As a result of centuries of oppression, a significant number of women across Afghanistan believe that it is acceptable for the men in their lives to abuse them physically, emotionally, and in other ways.
We can see this most clearly in marriage. Almost all weddings in Afghanistan start with matchmaking. The groom’s family initiates a marriage proposal and it is up to the bride’s family to agree or not. Most often the young women don’t have the right to talk or choose. The parents who choose to or are forced to marry off their underage daughters often ignore factors such as the age or any shortcomings of the future son-in-law. Daughters might even get married off to men their families or the girl have never seen before. When the families agree to the marriage the real negotiations about the wedding costs and the bride price begin. The bride’s father, brother and relatives specify all expense of the wedding, such as, food and catering, clothes for the bride’s relatives and payment for the imam, who drafts the marriage contract and performs the ceremony, and the bride price that they demand from groom. In most cases the bride is not entitled to talk or reduce the cost of wedding. The groom has to agree to all specifications.
The bride price, also known as toyana, is an Afghan tradition with no foundation in Islamic law. According to the draft marriage law and Islamic law, the only payment that can be requested by the bride’s family is the Islamic dowry (mahr), which should remain the property of the bride for the duration of her marriage. Bride price and mahr are not the same: the bride price is a payment that the father of the bride receives, while mahr is the groom’s financial pledge to his wife. The bride can decide that she want a mahr or not, bride is allowed to use the mahr in any way she sees fit, and it is the legitimate right of the bride. But unfortunately, in Afghanistan we have a high bride price which the groom and his family pay for the bride’s family. When after marriage, she moves into her husband’s household and has less contact with her parents and little opportunity to support them, for the rest of her life, the groom and his family blame the bride for having had to pay a hide price for the bride. They use the bride price as an excuse to oppress her.
The marriage process and the bride price dehumanizes women. It teaches boys that women are purchasable property, not human beings. When girls don’t have the opportunity to go to school, they are not able to defend their rights or demand to be treated fairly. They often even lack the self-confidence to stand up for herself. We have to change this and start change from ourselves so future generations have better lives.
It is important to teach our sons respect and humanity, and help our daughters be independent and capable so they don’t have to get married to sustain their lives. Instead of demanding bride price from groom, we could have educated daughters who can support us, and build a better life for themselves.