As a mother of two, I can attest to the fact that parenting is one of the toughest jobs out there. It entails more than just providing food, clothes, and shelter. It’s important to realize that our words and actions shape the future of our children. Our behaviors become our children’s inner voice. If a parent is supportive and encouraging, a child is more likely to grow up with a positive inner voice that boosts their confidence and self-esteem.
Growing up in Afghanistan, I noticed that most parents are more critical of their daughters than their sons. The behaviors of the daughters are observed and corrected constantly. They are taught from a very young age that it’s “inappropriate” for them to laugh too loud. They are told not to play “boyish” games like flying kites or riding a bike. Even the way girls sit or walk is ciritized. These may seem trivial, but a lot of these girls struggle with self-confidence and self-esteem when they grow up. They find it difficult to express themselves, to enjoy themselves, to have a say, to follow their passion – they live in constant fear that they may be defying social norms in some way.
Raising a daughter, I decided to be mindful about how I treat her and I came up with a few ways to instill self-confidence in her.
Let her have a say. I ask my daughter what she wants and let her weigh in while making decision. From a young age, this teaches her that her opinion is wanted. If she has questions, I answer them in the most honest way possible. It is best not to tell our daughters that something “does not concern you.” Growing up, I have heard this happen around me and I still find it difficult at times to ask questions or to even speak up for myself.
It is important to create opportunities for our daughters to use their voices. We can ask them if they like what they are wearing, if they are happy in school and if anyone or anything is bothering them. This, in the long run, will encourage them to speak up for themselves, to express themselves fearlessly and to stand up for what they want and need.
Let her choose what she wants to play with. Not all girls like to play with dolls. If your daughter is interested in cars, bikes or footballs, buy her those toys. Labeling her toys creates and reinforces gender stereotypes. It puts limits on her imaginations and she misses out on developing skills that she could acquire from playing with different toys. This helps in the long run as our girls gain confidence to pursue careers and passions and would not have to question whether it’s suitable for girls or not.
Let her know you love her. Having a daughter is a huge blessing. It is important to let our daughters know that we love them and take pride in them. Especially in Afghan society where girls are diminished, pettied, and ignored, this simple act can go a long way. So many Afghan girls grow up thinking they are a burden on the family. This mindset does not change when they get married. Some of them quietly tolerate violence in their husband’s house and are too afraid to walk out of their marriage because they don’t want to be a burden on the parents. Let her believe that you, as parents, will always be there for her no matter what.
Let her realize and celebrate her unique abilities. Do not compare your daughter with other girls. Every one of our daughters is unique and it is important to encourage her to honor her own uniqueness. If your daughter does not feel confident about who she is, remind her of her unique qualities and abilities and make sure you don’t only complement her physical beauty. Appreciate her skills, agility, athleticism, reading, confidence, and other qualities too. This will lead to her loving and appreciating herself as well.